Later in school I always felt lower than everyone did. This left a major traumatic impact on my life. I turned into the class bully in high school. Now I see it was a defense mechanism kicking in. I was heavy (or so I thought, my hips were 2 inches larger than the perfect model) and I never felt good about myself. I got into a crowd of kids who were just like me. We would pick fights with someone just for looking at us the wrong way. I was in 10th grade when I met my first husband and we were married when I was 15. I dropped out of school. I just wanted out of the house and I was pregnant by him and then after about 4 months I lost the baby. My mother and his said we should separate being we were too young. Well I would have none of that. I wanted to stay married and get pregnant again so I could have someone who loved me.
My son was born on January 26, 1971 when I was 16 years old. He was a
beautiful baby, and I was a baby too. Well the marriage broke up in 1973 after
just 3 years and I became very bitter. My husband had abused me, he would come
home 2 hr. late after work, sometimes at 2 AM and demand supper on the table. I
remember a time I had cooked a nice ham and all the trimmings and it was a day
he was working first shift. He was due home by 4 PM and was to bring a
supervisor and his wife for dinner and I wanted too surprise him. I had gone
shopping with my mom and I bought a new outfit. I planned on surprising him with
dinner and my nice new look.
***Note: This is where the abuse gets worse!!! Beware!!!***
He came in the
door and saw me in that dress and grabbed me and threw me across the room and
asked me where I got the dress. I told him I wanted to surprise him and that
dinner was ready. Of course, he was his usual 2 hr. late and dinner was not on
the table it was in the oven keeping warm. Before I could get the words out he
was taking me to the bedroom and telling me to take off that ugly dress and take
it back to the store. He then proceeded to force himself on me and I thought
that wasn't rape because we were married and the wife was supposed to please her
husband. But down inside of me I knew this couldn't be the right way for a
17-yr. old girl to be living. This happened so many times I lost count and some
of it I pushed so far back in my mind that I just didn't want to face it. It was
like the time when my brother’s friends in the woods molested me at age 7 and I
just stared up at the treetops and pretended I wasn't there. It was like this
was happening to someone else, not me.
***Note:There is highly emotional content coming up!!!***
I always felt
guilty after I was molested or date raped because I didn't fight hard enough or
scream or run. I thought well this must just be the way I am. A no-good person.
I always seemed to pick men who abused drugs, alcohol and women. In 1976, I
hooked up with a motorcycle gang through this one guy I was dating. He was
supposed to be my man and me his woman, but I didn't know what that meant in
biker circles at that time. I was his to be used, abused and loaned out to any
man in need. If I didn't comply I got a knife to the throat. This is very hard
for me to remember, since I have never really dealt with a lot of these issues,
even though I tried many times. One night I was with him at the clubhouse and
there was a party. I got drunk and went in to lie on the bed. A biker came in
and laid down beside me and I remember asking him what he was doing there and he
proceeded to tell me that "My man"(no names will be mentioned in this for my
safety) sent him in for some good loving because this guy had just gotten out of
jail for murder. He was in for 15 -20 yr. and paroled in 10. So he hadn't had a
woman for years and I was Going to do for him whatever he wanted. I tried to
fight this one off, as I really didn't think "my man" would do this to me.
Boy, did I have a lot to learn... I was raped repeatedly that night and the next day. By the time I was able to escape from this my clothes were all ripped and I had bruises on my breasts and all over my thighs. Of course, I blamed myself for getting into the situation. I know today that it wasn't my fault but it has taken a long time to get to this point. Actually I think I have reached that point, but I am not real sure. I put myself into a drug and alcohol rehab to get away from"him" and when I told him where I was going he said "Goodbye and don't you come looking for me. I want nothing to do with a woman(sic) like you who gets so drunk she doesn't know who she is sleeping with." I don't think I will ever forget those words of that day ever...From that time on I knew I was no good, I went to college at IUP in my home town, and I got clean for a little while. You see, I thought that I could do drugs as long as I didn't drink since "they" said I was an alcoholic and they didn't say anything about drugs to me or if they did I had selective hearing cause I don't remember...
I went to college for 2 years including summer sessions at main campus, where they party allot. My major was Criminology, you see a small part of me wanted to do something for young girls like me who had been through rapes and abuse by there boyfriends or husbands. Also I wanted to help steer teens away from Motherhood as a child, like me. I received my Associates degree in May 1978, the proudest day of my parent’s life. I was to go back to school in the fall and instead I was back to my drinking and drugs, since you can't do one without it turning into the other if you are an alcoholic.
I then hooked up with a Trucker who, I didn't know at the time, was married While at the same time I was seeing another guy and "he" told me not to get too involved with the other guy as he wanted me to go on the road with him. He got me into Truck Driving school since he hoped we could drive together. By the time I was out of School he was on the road and so was I. I wasn't going to spend another moment in that town if I could help it as I was afraid of running into any number of men who had either beat or raped me. I didn't report this to the police, as I was ashamed of myself for letting it happen. So I took the easy way out. Run as far as I can and as fast. Well, trucking gave me that out and I went all over the country. I was so bitter against men at that time that I didn't want anything to do with them.... I moved to Texas and settled in after a wk of living in my car, since I lost the job I had in Oklahoma and I was broke. It was early July 1979 and it was hot!
I slept in my car with the windows down and the doors open, as I couldn't take the heat. I had my CB radio in the car so I could radio a trucker for help if I needed to. I went to see about help and stayed in a shelter for 2 days and they steered me to Traveler's aid where I thought I could get the money to drive back to the place I hated the most, home. The man at travelers aid steered me in the direction of getting a job at a retirement hotel for room and board and $7.00 a day to live on. I was a waitress and I could eat there if I wanted. Well, 1 job led to another and another and I finally went back to trucking and again didn't let the grass grow under my feet. During my first three months in Texas, I moved in with a man I worked for and he was abusive too. I got to the point where suicide looked like the only way out, so I found a bottle of pills in his medicine cabinet and took them. I was found by him and rushed to the hospital where they wouldn't even admit me since I had no insurance. When we got back to the house the next day all my stuff, bags and all were gone. They didn't steal my cigarettes though so I had my suspicions that it was my boss. The man I stayed with who took my stuff or disposed of it.
I called home and asked Mom and Dad for airfare to come back home. He wanted me out of there for some reason since he paid my wages for the two weeks I was gone, as long as he could use my car. It gets better, while I was at "home", I was walking home at 3AM a little high, I just left a party and didn't have a car since it was in Texas, 2000 miles away. I was almost home when a car passed me and I thought Thank God he didn't stop since I didn't have my mace with me. I was walking up a steep hill and I had an eerie feeling. Like I was being followed.
I didn't know if I should keep walking the same way or if I should go up through the woods. It was pitch dark, so I stayed on the road. I was walking up the hill and all of a sudden I saw a figure come out of nowhere. I couldn't see him but under the light right before that I looked at my watch and it was 2:45AM as I passed under the light. The man grabbed me and I asked who he was and he said "a friend" and I said " good you can walk me home then" and he had different plans. He started to twist my left arm behind my back while holding my other arm with his and I fought this time I fought for 15 minutes and he said he wanted me to go somewhere first. I asked where cause I just wanted to go home. He said over here in the woods and I said no and then he grabbed my mouth and said don't you dare scream or I will kill you. Just do what I want and you will be all right. We were in a standing position and he was trying to drag me into the woods. All of a sudden I hear"fall down he won't be able to drag your dead weight as easy as he is pushing you along." To this day I believe that was God telling me this.
I fell down and he landed on top of me as I pulled him down with me. He is now strangling me and I could hardly breathe and I was praying to God to please help me And I got another message; "Go limp he will think you are dead" well by then I thought I would die. It felt as though his fingers were touching together in my neck. I had no airway. So I went limp and felt like I was surrendering to God and I thought I am going to die here. I passed out after hearing him say look what you did now b___ you got a car up here. Then he ran down into the woods and when I came to I saw the car lights and thought "Oh God, what if this is someone with him?"
Then the local cop walked over to me and asked, "Are you all right?" I said no a man tried to rape me and he strangled me. You see this cop was a friend of mine and of the family. So I got into his car and he told me who the man was and that he was all over looking for him since he had robbed three bars and was planning on setting fire to a place in the Troy hill section of town. He also told me that he was headed over to Troy hill when "something" told him to come up here. I said, "Les that something was God" and he said he could not argue that because he wasn't even going to look up here for the guy.
I waited in the locked police car as he went out and checked over the guys car after firing a warning shot into the air and yelled "Give it up Ch___". Well he didn't give it up but Les found the guys girlfriend fast asleep in the back of the car. She was there the whole time this was going on. When I found out that this guy was a friend of mine and we had partied together and we went way back to the sand box days of our childhood. I knew him well, but not that night. He was a total monster that night and I was shocked to find out who he was. I left town to go back to Texas a week early since they hadn't found him yet and I was really scared. I was in shock, I didn't leave my Mom's house until the day I went to the airport for the flight to my new"home".
I called my boss and said I was coming back early and he said "oh you worry too much stay and enjoy yourself". Never a word of sympathy. In fact, when I got to Dallas/Ft Worth airport he wasn't there. I waited and waited all night for a ride home. The next day the airport security said they found my car in the airport parking lot and that Charlie was in jail for statutory rape and being arraigned on Monday this was Saturday and again I had no where to go. To top it off my car has been wrecked and was driveable but someone had to pay the towing fee as it was already being towed away. They thought it was an abandoned vehicle since it was wrecked.
This all happened in July 1979. I found a place to live and got a job at Pinkerton Security as a Sergeant since I had a degree and my life did another turn around. In October 1980, I had to undergo surgery and by this time I was working in a hospital and going to school for respiratory therapy. I had to drop out of school as I was in the hospital for 3 weeks. I worked there, too. So in November 1980 I came back to PA and fell into a deep depression and drank my blues away. I was on unemployment and the only time I didn't drink before noon was on Thursday since I had to report to EB or I wouldn't get my check. So as soon as I left there I headed for the bar. I never sat with my back to the door though, as I was afraid again of who might see me first.
By Jan 1981, I had hit rock bottom and I was carrying a knife now. I again was raped and beaten badly this time by three men. As they were driving out of the remote area (someone put acid in my drink and I was out of it. Tripping actually and I pulled my knife out of my purse and the other girl that was with us and was raped too said, "She has a knife and the guy in the front seat went to grab it and I pointed it blade first at him and when he grabbed I pulled and cut his thumb pretty bad. They stopped the car dragged me out and beat me some more until one guy said "stop you don't want to kill her she's not worth it". Those words saved my life and to this day I always hand someone a knife very carefully, handle first if I have to.
***This is where my story starts to get better!!!***
Well in Feb 1981 I
got sober and cleaned up my act and started going to AA and I went into the same
rehab again, this time it was for the right reason though and I met my husband
in there. We were married 18 years in March and both have 19 1/2 years without a
drink. One Day at a Time. So there is a happy ending to my story. My husband
will not even raise a hand to me he says it is cowards that beat women and I
believe that. They are afraid to pick on someone their own size.
But there
are a lot of cowards out there.
**Still some bad times ahead!!!***
I am
now disabled partly due to the trauma I suffered over and over. I have severe
pain daily, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis,Asthma, Sleep Apnea,Scoliosis,Left
Ventricular dysfunction (heart) and other physical problems I won't get into
here, as this has been a long enough story as is.
Thanks for reading my
story.
